I've been debating writing this post for a while, and I'll admit, I was a little apprehensive about it. But in order to really understand some of the decisions we are making for our wedding, you kind of need to understand what happened with our planning. (and maybe I can just direct people to this post when they ask me why I don't have a maid of honor, 'cause I'm sick of explaining...)
So, as you may know, I haven't really had the best examples of marriage in my family. What you don't know is that until recently, I did have one example. You see, my brother and his wife were married for almost 8 years when the boy asked me to marry him. His wife, let's call her Betty, was one of my closest friends. We couldn't have been more different. She was conservative, I'm a total liberal. She's country, I'm city. She hates being away from family, I moved away the first chance I got. But we bonded when she was dating my brother 9 years ago, I was the maid of honor in their wedding, and now we really just think of each other as sisters. Since then, she and my brother have really been my one source of stability. Their home was where I stayed during the holidays, they were who I brought P home to meet, etc. P and my brother got along perfectly. My brother and I have always had a fierce closeness, we talk about everything, and we have a bond that I cherish more than I can explain.
Flash forward to the day we got back from our backpacking trip. Betty and my brother were the first people I called to share the news. I, of course, asked Betty to be my MOH, and my brother to be a groomsman. Four weeks later I found out that my brother had left Betty after months of cheating on her. She was an absolute wreck, had lost an unspeakable amount of weight, and needed me. I finished my last paper, skipped graduation, and drove the 7 hours to their home to try to support her and figure out what the hell was going on with my brother. In the meantime, I picked up a pretty awful case of anxiety, and put our wedding planning on hold.
A lot has happened since then. Betty and my brother are in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce. My brother and I have just begun to talk again, trying to piece together our relationship after over 9 months of radio silence (he refused to talk to me at first, and then I refused to talk to him). Betty and I are trying to figure out how we can still be friends, without it being too difficult for her. We decided it would be too hard for her to come to the wedding, and so now I am MOH-less. As of now, my brother is coming ALONE, and I am trying to figure out how I feel about that.
It's basically a hot mess. And the truth is, a lot of people expected me to cut and run. No wedding, no marriage, no boy. Because I was freaked out. But actually, this whole thing has made me love him more. He has been incredibly supportive, understanding, and we have talked about things we never would have before. It's definitely changed me a bit. (I'm more cautious about other women, for one. Which I never was before.) It's made wedding planning extremely difficult and emotional at times. But I know it's made us stronger.
*By the way, I have 5 AMAZING bridesmaids. I just didn't want to replace Betty, it just didn't feel right, which is why I don't have an MOH.