Laying some ground rules

(Sorry for my lack of posting lately.  Things have been a bit crazy lately with work/wedding planning/life.  What I need to remember is that blogging actually helps relieve the stress, rather than adds to it.)

On Thursday evening, I was happily waiting for the street car on St. Charles with P and his friends that had just arrived for his bachelor party.  (Don't worry, I was about to peace out to my friends house for the weekend so they could have a man-fest, but I spend the first night with them, which proved to be an amazing time.)  While we were waiting, I noticed I had a voicemail from my mom.  Now, if you've been reading this blog, you know that my relationship with my mom is an interesting one, and she really doesn't call me that often.  I was hoping that she was calling me to let me know how amazing our wedding invites were (that she should have receieved over a week ago), so I happily called her back.  Instead I received some serious drama on the other end when she picked up.  She tried to pull me in, once again, to the drama surrounding my brother and his never-ending divorce with my former MOH and very dear friend.  She basically accused me of some ridiculousness, and instead of fighting with her, I decided to try a new route.

I played the bride card.  That's right folks.  I told her that I did not want to hear about my brother and his drama, her drama (she is apparently about to get her 4th divorce, but she has been saying this every few months for the last 4 years), or anything else negative UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING.  If she wants to call me and talk flowers, programs, dresses, unicorns, and fairies, that's fine.  But if she wants to talk about family drama, she can turn elsewhere.  I said this all very calmly and sweetly (with an underlying tone of "if you don't like it, you can shove it") and then I ended the conversation. 

It was so liberating.  As I've grown older and wiser I've realized that sometimes it's OK to be selfish.  And this is one of those times. 

Has anyone else played the bride card to put an end to some nonsense?  Did you feel as liberated as I did/do?

Like ripping off a band-aid

I've been debating writing this post for a while, and I'll admit, I was a little apprehensive about it.  But in order to really understand some of the decisions we are making for our wedding, you kind of need to understand what happened with our planning.  (and maybe I can just direct people to this post when they ask me why I don't have a maid of honor, 'cause I'm sick of explaining...)

So, as you may know, I haven't really had the best examples of marriage in my family.  What you don't know is that until recently, I did have one example.  You see, my brother and his wife were married for almost 8 years when the boy asked me to marry him.  His wife, let's call her Betty, was one of my closest friends.  We couldn't have been more different.  She was conservative, I'm a total liberal.  She's country, I'm city.  She hates being away from family, I moved away the first chance I got.  But we bonded when she was dating my brother 9 years ago, I was the maid of honor in their wedding, and now we really just think of each other as sisters.  Since then, she and my brother have really been my one source of stability.  Their home was where I stayed during the holidays, they were who I brought P home to meet, etc.  P and my brother got along perfectly.  My brother and I have always had a fierce closeness, we talk about everything, and we have a bond that I cherish more than I can explain. 

Flash forward to the day we got back from our backpacking trip.  Betty and my brother were the first people I called to share the news.  I, of course, asked Betty to be my MOH, and my brother to be a groomsman.  Four weeks later I found out that my brother had left Betty after months of cheating on her.  She was an absolute wreck, had lost an unspeakable amount of weight, and needed me.  I finished my last paper, skipped graduation, and drove the 7 hours to their home to try to support her and figure out what the hell was going on with my brother.  In the meantime, I picked up a pretty awful case of anxiety, and put our wedding planning on hold. 

A lot has happened since then.  Betty and my brother are in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce.  My brother and I have just begun to talk again, trying to piece together our relationship after over 9 months of radio silence (he refused to talk to me at first, and then I refused to talk to him).  Betty and I are trying to figure out how we can still be friends, without it being too difficult for her.  We decided it would be too hard for her to come to the wedding, and so now I am MOH-less.  As of now, my brother is coming ALONE, and I am trying to figure out how I feel about that. 

It's basically a hot mess.  And the truth is, a lot of people expected me to cut and run.  No wedding, no marriage, no boy.  Because I was freaked out.  But actually, this whole thing has made me love him more.  He has been incredibly supportive, understanding, and we have talked about things we never would have before.  It's definitely changed me a bit.  (I'm more cautious about other women, for one.  Which I never was before.)  It's made wedding planning extremely difficult and emotional at times.  But I know it's made us stronger. 

*By the way, I have 5 AMAZING bridesmaids.  I just didn't want to replace Betty, it just didn't feel right, which is why I don't have an MOH.

Losing part of my new family

I haven't written much in the past week.  This week has been pretty difficult for P and I, and it's just going to get even more difficult in a couple of days.  My future uncle passed away, and we will be going back to Wisconsin this Thursday to be with the P's family and attend the funeral.  In the midst of dealing with our grief, we've both had to work, and I've had to do some wedding related stuff as well (finalize our invites, talk with ceremony musicians, etc.).  It felt weird to be doing those things, and I had a moment where I remembered that I sent my future mother in law an email about a junior bridesmaid dress, pretty much 12 hours before he passed away.  And I felt sick about it.  Then I remembered reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers ever, and I went back and re-read it.  One quote in particular stood out to me, where she says,
"Weddings are hope for the future, hope for a new generation, hope that love and family can win out over everything else. Weddings are not more important then life, and they don't stand apart from life, but they represent something bigger then us, and undoubtedly bigger then the dress we wear or the flowers we carry."

This week I will be joining my soon to be family in an incredibly difficult time.  I know it will bring us closer, and this is what being a family is all about. 

*Photo from Our Labor of Love, I know I've used it before, but this is what we need from friends and family right now, and this image just speaks to me.

**We were reminiscing about his uncle the other day, and remembered a great story about him.  Last summer, right after we got engaged, we were all up at his family's cottage in Wisconsin.  His aunt had asked me about what I was planning to do about the whole "giving away" process because of my situation with my father.  I explained to her that I was going to walk myself down the aisle.  Later that day, his uncle came up to him and told him that if I wanted someone to walk me down the aisle he would be honored to.  (at the time he was already sick, and we have always been close).  It's one of the few times I've ever seen P cry, and it was  a really special moment I will always remember.

On finding help when you need it

You know how the wedding world is filled with brides complaining about over-involved mothers, awful future mother-in-laws, pushy sisters, and other overbearing wedding helpers?  Yeah, well, I don't have that problem.
I have the opposite problem.  I don't have any help.  And it's really frustrating.  Now, this isn't a pity party.  Let me explain.  Most of the time, I really enjoy planning this shindig on my own.  This wedding is going to be, well, a wedding of our own.  It's really going to reflect my style, what we value as a couple, and what we want on our wedding day.  Which is what a lot of brides with mom-zilla's could only dream of.
The problem is, every once in a while, I really wish I had some help.  My mom and I have an interesting relationship.  I love her fiercely, and she loves me, but she is rather emotionally immature, and is not at a point in her life where she can really focus on other people.  (Case in point, when I call her for advice, she vents about how she is thinking of getting a divorce from her now 4th husband, complains about my brother, complains about her job, wanting to lose weight, etc.)  She will be there (hopefully), she is making our table numbers (cross your fingers), and I love her.  But I can't rely on her, 27 years of being her daughter has taught me that.
My mother in law?  Well, she is a wonderful woman.  But she is just not really interested in this stuff.  She has a thirteen year old daughter (P's half sister), and she is pretty busy with her own stuff.  When I ask her questions via email, she sends me one word responses. 
So when I was having a minor freak out about what time to start the ceremony, and I had to decide this week? I had no idea who to turn to. 
Anyone else in a similar situation?  Where did you go for help?

*P is very zen about wedding planning.  And by zen, I mean he says "everything will work out".  He says this with only planning what he is in charge of (man attire, playlist, man gifts).  Oy.

Elegantly Navigating Family Issues: The Budget

Aye.

This one is difficult.  The budget, and who is contributing what.
Remember the old tradition that the bride's family pays for almost everything?  Well, if we did that, we would be eloping.  My family has nothing to give, unless you count emotional drama.

Anyhoo, P and I are going to contribute what we can, which amounts to about 3,000 dollars.  MAX.  I will not go into debt for our wedding.  Let's repeat that, just to make sure.  I will not go into debt for our wedding. 
When we decided to have our wedding in Wisconsin to accomodate his family, we talked with them about what they were willing to contribute financially.  They were vague, but they assured us that they would help us out significantly.
Now, every piece of advice I've read or have been given about this says to just ask for a specific amount.  It gets tricky when people say things like "I will pay for the food at the reception, the invitations, etc".  I've tried and tried to side step around this, but future MIL really wants to just say WHAT they are paying for, not how much they are paying.  So, they have generously offered to pay for our reception.  Which I am VERY thankful for.
So what's the problem?  Well, our reception is where we are saving the most money because of my connections to the restaurant.  All of the other stuff is not hugely affected by our small number of attendees or this incredible deal (ceremony site fee, rentals (dance floor, cocktail tables), our attire, flights to Wisconsin, hotel room for several days, bluegrass band, rehearsal dinner, etc.).  When you add it all up, if they only pay for the reception, P and I are actually going to pay a lot more than we have the money for. 
So now I don't know what to do.  P's stepfather told us to just let him know when we needed money for things, but his mother seems pretty set on just paying for the reception.  Truth be told, we won't be having a rehearsal dinner, and we may be crashing on our friend's floors in Madison if we don't get a little more help from them.

So, what's a girl to do?  Any advice would be much appreciated!

Elegantly Navigating Family Issues: Semantics

When a bride and a groom from divorced families decide to tie the knot, there are A LOT of issues that come up during wedding planning that I absolutely did not expect.   I think that this is something that a lot of brides and grooms deal with, and need advice on. 

The first small issue that came up was invitation wording.  P's mother has been married to his stepdad (who P is incredibly close with) for years.  P's dad is not remarried, but has been with the same woman for many years, and she happens to be our florist-friendor!  My mother has been remarried for a couple of years to a man I am not very close with, and then we have my father, who is remarried, and who probably won't come.  Add all that to the fact that the groom's family will be paying for a large portion of the costs, we will be paying a portion, and the bride's mother will be paying a portion.  Is your head spinning yet?  Mine hurts.  Here is what I imagine our invitation will look like (in my worst nightmare):

Mrs. and Mr. Bride's mother

and

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's father (who probably won't show up)

invite you to join them in the celebration of love as their daughter,

Bride-whose-head-is-hurting

is united in marriage to

Groom-who-thinks-the-solution-is-to-send-an-evite

son of Mrs. Groom's mom and Stepdad

and Groom's dad and partner (who won't like being at the end of the invite)

Woa.  OK, I know that would never happen but OMG. 

Then I began to search the blogs and saw the perfect wedding invitation wording:

Together with their families

The Bride

and

The Groom

would like you to come party with us! (or something like that)

Ahhhh.  Simplicity.  Perfect.

So what is the lesson we've learned today?  Keep it simple.

Have you had to elegantly navigate any family issues?  How have you handled it?

Giving myself away

One of the most difficult decisions I had to make for our wedding was what to do about the whole "giving away the bride" thing.  I have never been close with my father since my parents's divorce when I was 9.  I see him occasionally, less than once a year since I graduated from college, and he barely knows anything about me as a person.  He has met P once, and we've been together for 5 years. 
Having him give me away would be just for show and tradition.  It would feel entirely false to me, and would not reflect what we want our ceremony to be.  So I've decided to walk down the aisle alone. 
When I told my father, I decided to spin it as more of an "I'm a independent woman" thing, and less of a "you have no right giving me away" thing.  Unfortunately (and not surprisingly), he reacted very negatively and has since told us that he will not be attending our wedding and does not wish to have me in his life anymore. 

While it was difficult to hear that from him, I know now, more than ever, that I made the right decision.  Our wedding day is going to be about us and the people we love and care for most.  We are not going to do anything that doesn't feel right to us or reflect us as a couple. 

In a gesture that made both me and P cry, one of P's uncles offered to walk me down the aisle.  We are both close to him, and because he has been ill for quite some time, he is one of the reasons we decided on a Wisconsin wedding.  I thanked him profusely through my tears, but let him know that I am happy with the idea of giving myself away!

And it's not going to be as lonely as it sounds!  I am a very independent lady, and the idea of walking confidently towards my future husband and our life together thrills me.  It will be completely special for both of us.