Struggling...

I read this post on a practical wedding this morning and I could not stop thinking about it.  Because that is where we are at right now.  We are a little over two months out, and things are stressful.

I've found myself picking fights with P over stupid stuff about wedding planning.  (He does not read this, if he did, he would be rejoicing right now at that admission.)  Seriously.   The problem is, he doesn't care about the details.  And as  I mentioned before, I don't really have anyone helping me out with anything.

So what to do?  Most of the time, I really enjoy planning, I'm an organizer by nature and I love coming up with a vision.  But now we are getting down to the nitty gritty details, and that is not my strength.  We are having our wedding in the city we used to live, I don't have a lot of people there I can delegate things to.  One of my bridesmaids lives there, but I am afraid to give her too much. 

I don't want this to become a time that I look back at and all I remember is stress.  I want this to be about us, about our love, about getting ready for our marraige.  But instead I feel like I have so much anxiety about what has to get done and how it will get there.  I just don't want to get lost in it.

Has anyone else been here?  What did you do to pull yourself out of it?

One year ago today

We were backpacking through Europe on our last spring break as graduate students.  It was my first time even using a passport and I was beyond excited.  It was the fourth day of our trip and our first full day in Paris.  Now if you know me, you know that I've been dreaming of traveling to Europe since middle school.  But what I was most excited for was Paris.  P, well, he was not so excited about Paris.  He was more excited about the other parts of our trip (London, Amsterdam, our Belgian tour with our dear friend, etc.).  In fact, he kept raining on my Paris parade pre-trip, and pretty much had me believing that he was dreading our 3 days in Paris.  So much so that I sat him down at our first (delicious and perfectly ordered in my rusty French) Parisian dinner and lectured him about putting on a happy face for the next 60 hours.
We woke up early that morning and headed to Montmarte, ready to see the beautiful Sacre Couer.  My French historian college roommate recommended that we pay the 2 Euro or so to hike up to the top, as it was the best view of the city.  When we arrived at the top, a little winded, I was seriously amazed.   P put his arm around me, I leaned my head on his shoulder and took it all in, trying to savor the moment.
"Hey Linds, will you do something for me?"
P, of course, was bugging me about taking a picture or something.  I turned to him, a little annoyed, and then saw him with this goofy grin on his face.  Then he said, "Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?"
I replied, "WHAT?"
So he repeated himself.
Again, I said "WHAT?"  (this time, I'm told I was laughing.  Slightly hysterically. I believe this to be an exaggeration.)
Then I noticed he was holding a ring.  He wasn't down on one knee, it wasn't in a box, he just had it in his hand.  It was so him.  So perfect.  Of course I said yes.  (and proceeded to wear it on my middle finger for the next 10 days, because it was way to big, but I wanted to wear it anyway).

Here is a picture of us that we made some other tourists take a few minutes later:

(if I look a little stunned, it's because I was.  I had NO IDEA.  The boy is not a planner, this was surprising.)

Like ripping off a band-aid

I've been debating writing this post for a while, and I'll admit, I was a little apprehensive about it.  But in order to really understand some of the decisions we are making for our wedding, you kind of need to understand what happened with our planning.  (and maybe I can just direct people to this post when they ask me why I don't have a maid of honor, 'cause I'm sick of explaining...)

So, as you may know, I haven't really had the best examples of marriage in my family.  What you don't know is that until recently, I did have one example.  You see, my brother and his wife were married for almost 8 years when the boy asked me to marry him.  His wife, let's call her Betty, was one of my closest friends.  We couldn't have been more different.  She was conservative, I'm a total liberal.  She's country, I'm city.  She hates being away from family, I moved away the first chance I got.  But we bonded when she was dating my brother 9 years ago, I was the maid of honor in their wedding, and now we really just think of each other as sisters.  Since then, she and my brother have really been my one source of stability.  Their home was where I stayed during the holidays, they were who I brought P home to meet, etc.  P and my brother got along perfectly.  My brother and I have always had a fierce closeness, we talk about everything, and we have a bond that I cherish more than I can explain. 

Flash forward to the day we got back from our backpacking trip.  Betty and my brother were the first people I called to share the news.  I, of course, asked Betty to be my MOH, and my brother to be a groomsman.  Four weeks later I found out that my brother had left Betty after months of cheating on her.  She was an absolute wreck, had lost an unspeakable amount of weight, and needed me.  I finished my last paper, skipped graduation, and drove the 7 hours to their home to try to support her and figure out what the hell was going on with my brother.  In the meantime, I picked up a pretty awful case of anxiety, and put our wedding planning on hold. 

A lot has happened since then.  Betty and my brother are in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce.  My brother and I have just begun to talk again, trying to piece together our relationship after over 9 months of radio silence (he refused to talk to me at first, and then I refused to talk to him).  Betty and I are trying to figure out how we can still be friends, without it being too difficult for her.  We decided it would be too hard for her to come to the wedding, and so now I am MOH-less.  As of now, my brother is coming ALONE, and I am trying to figure out how I feel about that. 

It's basically a hot mess.  And the truth is, a lot of people expected me to cut and run.  No wedding, no marriage, no boy.  Because I was freaked out.  But actually, this whole thing has made me love him more.  He has been incredibly supportive, understanding, and we have talked about things we never would have before.  It's definitely changed me a bit.  (I'm more cautious about other women, for one.  Which I never was before.)  It's made wedding planning extremely difficult and emotional at times.  But I know it's made us stronger. 

*By the way, I have 5 AMAZING bridesmaids.  I just didn't want to replace Betty, it just didn't feel right, which is why I don't have an MOH.

Losing part of my new family

I haven't written much in the past week.  This week has been pretty difficult for P and I, and it's just going to get even more difficult in a couple of days.  My future uncle passed away, and we will be going back to Wisconsin this Thursday to be with the P's family and attend the funeral.  In the midst of dealing with our grief, we've both had to work, and I've had to do some wedding related stuff as well (finalize our invites, talk with ceremony musicians, etc.).  It felt weird to be doing those things, and I had a moment where I remembered that I sent my future mother in law an email about a junior bridesmaid dress, pretty much 12 hours before he passed away.  And I felt sick about it.  Then I remembered reading a post by one of my favorite bloggers ever, and I went back and re-read it.  One quote in particular stood out to me, where she says,
"Weddings are hope for the future, hope for a new generation, hope that love and family can win out over everything else. Weddings are not more important then life, and they don't stand apart from life, but they represent something bigger then us, and undoubtedly bigger then the dress we wear or the flowers we carry."

This week I will be joining my soon to be family in an incredibly difficult time.  I know it will bring us closer, and this is what being a family is all about. 

*Photo from Our Labor of Love, I know I've used it before, but this is what we need from friends and family right now, and this image just speaks to me.

**We were reminiscing about his uncle the other day, and remembered a great story about him.  Last summer, right after we got engaged, we were all up at his family's cottage in Wisconsin.  His aunt had asked me about what I was planning to do about the whole "giving away" process because of my situation with my father.  I explained to her that I was going to walk myself down the aisle.  Later that day, his uncle came up to him and told him that if I wanted someone to walk me down the aisle he would be honored to.  (at the time he was already sick, and we have always been close).  It's one of the few times I've ever seen P cry, and it was  a really special moment I will always remember.

Ummm, yeah...

So I stopped blogging for a while.  Why?  Well, a couple of reasons:
-I started this blog because I was applying to blog on a site with a bunch of brides, and when my application was turned down, I was a little bummed.
-Reading over some of my entries (not all) I realized I didn't sound like me. Perhaps it was because I was trying to fit the personality of the website I was applying to?  I'm not sure.   But I'm really much more direct, honest, and a touch sarcastic than I was coming off in some of my sugary sweet posts.  The posts I like the most?  The ones where I am being real and honest, and the ones that reflect my personal style.

So here's to more of that.  And thanks to The Bowie Bride, for leaving me a comment that made me realize what I liked about blogging in the first place.  So this should be better now.  I'm blogging about what speaks to me, not what I think might fit in with another website.  Here goes nothin'...

On anxiety, depression, and the stress of planning a wedding

Recently one of my favorite wedding bloggers wrote an extremely honest post about putting her wedding plans on hold while she addresses her struggle with depression.  Her candidness about an issue many of us struggle with really struck a chord with me.
Right after we got engaged, something really traumatic happened in my life that completely affected me.  (I may blog about it at some point, because it does have a large impact on our wedding.)  I tried to ignore the way I was feeling and just push forward with everything I needed to get done.  Fast forward three weeks and I was in the New Orleans airport sobbing and having trouble breathing through my first full-blown panic attack.
I decided to see someone about my anxiety and put our wedding planning on hold for a bit.  P was so wonderful through it all, and never pressured me to start talking about our wedding.  I spent the summer taking care of myself, enjoying my last few weeks with my friends in Madison, and preparing for our move.  When I started wedding planning again after we were settled in New Orleans, it was because I felt excited and ready.
I guess I'm writing this to say if you are struggling with anxiety or depression, just be open and honest with your partner about it.  If wedding planning is adding to or causing your struggle, don't be afraid to put it on hold for a bit.  Who cares what people will say?  I can bet that if they care about you, they will support you and not give a damn about whether or not you have picked your color palette yet.

My picture problem

We've secured our amazing photographer for a ridiculous deal, and beautiful pictures are one of the most important wedding elements for us. We know what kind of pictures we want, and our photographer completely understands and shares our vision. So everything should be perfect, right?

Wrong.
You see, I am the opposite of photogenic. I've never liked the way that I look in pictures, and it's made me a bit camera shy.
My problem started in middle school, when I should have gotten braces. Due to family issues, I was not able to, and actually never went to the dentist during my late childhood and teens. Because of this, I was really embarrassed about my teeth. So embarrassed in fact, I did not talk to anyone about this until I was 24 YEARS OLD. I did have my teeth fixed, but after so many years of hiding my smile, it's been difficult to get used to smiling in pictures.

I also show a lot of gum when I smile sometimes (does anyone else have this problem?), which I really hate.  I know this sounds so superficial, and I am actually wincing while writing this, but it is an issue that I am worried about.  On our wedding day, I want to be comfortable, and not worried about how the pictures look.  On the other hand, I don't want a bunch of pictures with my weird looking smile! 

I'm thinking of just being really open and honest with our photographer about this prior to our wedding day.  Any other suggestions?  Please be gentle, this is a sensitive issue for me!

Giving myself away

One of the most difficult decisions I had to make for our wedding was what to do about the whole "giving away the bride" thing.  I have never been close with my father since my parents's divorce when I was 9.  I see him occasionally, less than once a year since I graduated from college, and he barely knows anything about me as a person.  He has met P once, and we've been together for 5 years. 
Having him give me away would be just for show and tradition.  It would feel entirely false to me, and would not reflect what we want our ceremony to be.  So I've decided to walk down the aisle alone. 
When I told my father, I decided to spin it as more of an "I'm a independent woman" thing, and less of a "you have no right giving me away" thing.  Unfortunately (and not surprisingly), he reacted very negatively and has since told us that he will not be attending our wedding and does not wish to have me in his life anymore. 

While it was difficult to hear that from him, I know now, more than ever, that I made the right decision.  Our wedding day is going to be about us and the people we love and care for most.  We are not going to do anything that doesn't feel right to us or reflect us as a couple. 

In a gesture that made both me and P cry, one of P's uncles offered to walk me down the aisle.  We are both close to him, and because he has been ill for quite some time, he is one of the reasons we decided on a Wisconsin wedding.  I thanked him profusely through my tears, but let him know that I am happy with the idea of giving myself away!

And it's not going to be as lonely as it sounds!  I am a very independent lady, and the idea of walking confidently towards my future husband and our life together thrills me.  It will be completely special for both of us.